Loss is Loss

I don’t have anything funny to say about this.  I am not in a joking mood, so I don’t think you should read this if you don’t want to read something sad.

Today we lost another baby.  It was a fur baby this time, but the loss hurts just as much if not more than the human 8 week old baby that I had to have removed from my body almost two months ago.

The hardest part about this loss for me, was that Sushi (our cat who passed away), was not MY baby.  She was Charles’.   I know that she was OURS, but I also have to take into consideration that that cat was the first love of his life.   I can’t help but think that if my spirits had been higher these last few months, or had we not tried to rescue Buddy a few months ago that none of this would have happened.

But it probably would/could have.

Blame and guilt are funny beasts.  But as I eat chicken for lunch, I realize that we are all have our flaws, and a lack of love for animals is not one of them for me.  Maybe I should stop eating meat, but damn it to hell “Raising Cane’s” is good comfort food, and Cane (their mascot) is a dog.  And it’s not Chick-fil-A, which I still do eat on occasion even though I don’t think their politics are good- they just happen to be on the street corner close to my house, and when I don’t  think I should have In-and-Out every single day I eat fast food, then, sometimes I opt for their fried chicken, even though ethically, I believe that they really suck.

So yea, cat loss, pet loss, it’s hell, and I just wanted to say if any of you have gone through it, and can relate you know that I have all the feels right now, and they are really sad feels.

I am working on learning to accept the grieving process as a part of life that just is part of it.  I tend to go into more of a desperate tantrum mode, and  want to take things out on other people, so  I guess overall I tend to rage, rather than grieve, and I hate that about myself.  One of the most self destructive parts of grieve-raging is that for the most part, while others could be part of the melee, I am usually the central victim just hating and hating on myself until the rage comes out in some pretty self destructive ways.

This time was been no different.  I raged, and now I am in a place of just sheer tiredness, and sheer exhaustion, and I am hoping that grief sleeping is going to be better for me than grief screaming, and grief making empty self-destructive threats.

Today has to be better than yesterday was, and I have to just think of Sushi in Heaven with Chaska, and Marty the Meat Cat, being in the less pain, and having a beautiful furry coat with no tangles,and nothing to be afraid of nothing, and cuddling playfully in the sunlight with happiness and love.