Asherman’s Syndrome

So, I never got my period.  (See last post if this is a new topic for you).  People kept telling me to be patient and that it would take my body time, but I knew something was not right.

My doctor agreed with me, that it definitely was abnormal.  She ordered blood work and did a pap smear.  I even got an ultrasound.  And everything looked normal and good and healthy.

The doctor told me it wasn’t a problem that I wasn’t getting my period unless I was trying to get pregnant, and she told me I could just wait to diagnose this more until I was trying to get pregnant again.  There was no sense of urgency for her.  I guess most women would be happy to miss their monthly gift.

But I am turning 35 in about a month, so I felt it was extremely urgent.  So, I agreed to have an in office procedure in which they insert of camera into my uterus to see if they can diagnose the problem this way.  This involved having my cervix clamped, and just a lot of discomfort and pain.  And what they found was scar tissue inside of my uterus.

It actually has a name: Asherman’s Syndrome.  And it was in all likelihood caused my the medical dilation and curettage that I was forced to have last year when I miscarried my first pregnancy.  It was the time the medical office made me sign paperwork stating I was having an abortion.  I was told, as I cried, it was just a medical term, but that didn’t make it feel any different.  I was not choosing to terminate my child’s development, but rather that occurred naturally and I needed to surgery to make sure the remains didn’t make me ill.  I thought I needed to surgery to keep me safe, but it seems it’s caused harm anyway.

So now, I am told that with this condition, the likelihood that I would conceive is much lower, and that my best option will be to take estrogen and have a surgery to remove the scar tissue.  The doctor didn’t happen to mention to me that women with Asherman’s have higher risk pregnancies when they do become pregnant.

So that’s the news I have been trying to process for the last week.  I have cried a lot.  I have thought and said repeatedly that it’s not fair. I mean it’s not.  But it doesn’t matter.  It just is.

I am trying to remain optimistic because I have options, but it’s hard, and there is a big part of me inside that is aching wondering if my chance to live my dream as a mother has officially been taken from me.

I don’t know how to keep blogging and trying to laugh at myself these days. I thought things were funnier in general before last year.  These days the stark reality of being an adult is just challenging for me.

I know I am strong and I will get through this, and things will work out however they should, but it doesn’t FEEL like it right now.  I can’t stop recoiling at the fact that I have a website that I specifically  set-up to talk about wanting to become a mom, so not sure where this blog is going, but it’s something I am considering letting go of also.

❤