I woke up this morning and after thinking about the lives of my peers I wondered if, on the precipice of my 34th birthday, it could be said that all the choices that I’ve made up until this point of my life have really been so poor that I cannot turn my life around. This is not to say that all the choices I have made up until this point have been terrible, but when I look at my friends with kids and houses and dream careers, I think that with zero out of three of these things I am pretty late to the game. I even allowed myself to go all way down the road to my later years, and thought about how I have no plans for retirement, and no real certainty of stability. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I just keep thinking if I had saved more and made better choices maybe my future wouldn’t seem to volatile and uncertain. I wonder if I can really make enough good choices from this point forward to make the things that I want viable, or if I should just give up, not that I even really know what that means…
I think as time keeps moving and I get older I focus more on wanting to have all the things that I don’t have. I should have kids by now. I should have a career I love. I should have conquered depression. I should just generally have more to show for 34 years on this earth. Its easy to get stuck in all of these shoulds. It’s easy for me to look back on my life and beat myself up for the the things I have done and not done, but the distilled down truth that comes out of it all is just that there is no way to go back in time and change these things.
I am honestly not sure if the choices I made up until this point were the best, but I am sure that spending more time analyzing and going over them again and again wont propel me into the future with gratitude and joy, which are much more helpful than the judgement and discontentment that I tend to focus on.
There is a very persistent voice in my head that tells me I am not enough. I am not good enough. I don’t matter. No one really cares. I’m a failure. My choices suck and I am never going to make it. And worst of all, I will never be a mother. It’s a strong voice and in the last year what I have really noticed about this dark part of myself is that it really lacks patience and wants to sit down and figure everything out all at one.
What I am trying to realize is that although this dark voice feels like a foreign enemy that comes in and is the ultimate judge of me, it’s really just a part of myself. Those thoughts seem to foreign and oppressive, but the truth is that they are generated from my mind, which I control. I mean don’t get my wrong, it definitely does not feel like I control it, but I think by taking ownership of that darkness I have the power to say, No I don’t accept these negative things are truth and I am not going to let them dominate my mind and control me.
So here is some of my deepest truth. I am writing it down and sharing it with the whole world, because it’s important and true, and I want to own it. My life has so much value. The choices I have made up until now have led me to this place and time and it may not be where I thought should be by now, it’s where I am. I have a loving partner, a loving family, a ton of supportive friends, a job that pays well and lots of stories to share with the world. My future is bright and exciting and while I may need a bit more patience to get where I’m going, I’m on my way, and I might as well enjoy the ride.
Also, I don’t have to perfect to share with others. I don’t have to know all the answers. It is my intention to me more vulnerable and less judgmental of myself, and to start sharing more freely in this space. I started this blog because I thought I was funny and had lots of great stories to share that would make others laugh and would also make them think and feel. I plan to start sharing more and more, so that we can share in the hardships and laughter together, and so that I can remind myself that I am awesome and funny and have so much light to share with you all.