Sunday morning is kind of a time when I feel like I should be at church, but I don’t attend church. I am a member of a Quaker meeting in Orange County, California.
The funniest thing to me being a Quaker is that at a Quaker meeting everyone sits in silence and waits to be lead by the spirit before they speak, but I literally sit still as if I were a kindergartner,
For me, growing up, there was a lot of crying associated with religious experiences. To be honest, I almost didn’t feel like it was worth going to church if I didn’t cry at the end. For that reason alone, I often will cry in the Quaker meeting, not always because I am sad, but mostly because I feel like I am having a spiritual experience, and that moves me to feel like I can/should/could/will cry. But I am a weirdo, because I kind of love crying. I mean, I don’t LOVE it, but it feels like such a great release.
One of the first times I was at the Quaker meeting, I cried hard enough that I needed to blow my nose, and when I did so, it was much louder than I expected. I decided to leave the meeting room and retreat for the rest of the meeting with embarrassment. I remember after the meeting was over being mortified and not wanting to talk to anyone, and a friend of mine from the meeting approached me and asked if I was okay. I explained to him that I was so embarrassed that I have blown my nose so loudly, and he laughed. It wasn’t the kind of laugh that made you feel bad, but it made me reflect on the silliness of actually feeling like I should be ashamed for loudly blowing my nose.
I still cry in meeting. I cry for many different reasons. Sometimes I can reflect on the deep losses I have experienced in my life, while at other times I just feel overwhelmed by a spiritual presence, and moved to tears. Lots of times I take a journal to jot down notes in. Generally speaking the sitting still is very very hard for me, but when I am among Friends I can often get over the self consciousness of not being able to sit still, to go to meeting, wiggle as much as needed, and enjoy the presence of those who are trying to let the light lead them, just like I am.
#poststhatmakemymomproud 